I am torn, because although it was the hardest ride I have ever conquered (yes!) it wasn't the riding that has left me drained from the weekends events- this time it was the diabetes!
Exhausted, frustrated and pissed off!!! Rarely do I feel this way, but this weekend I did!
The ride was great, we did 65 miles and climbed 5,900 feet! There were a few personal challenges that I had with previous routes in this area that I overcame, which was a huge accomplishment! Out of aprox 12 riders that started with our group, only 5 of us that made it to the top of - another accomplishment! However my diabetes and my medical equipment failed me big time and that sucked!
About 50 miles into the ride, while climbing a hill I felt like I had hit a brick wall- I looked at my CGM and it read 317 ^^ (double arrows up) this was not right because only 20 minutes before I had given myself insulin- I looked at my pump and the screen read BUTTON ERROR- and was frozen, it was dead! Minimed pumps are apparently not built for heat or sweat (athletes beware) I stopped on my bike for a minute, and luckily I had syringes in the SAG support car, gave myself a few units through a needle, ripped the pump of and continued to ride! We had another 15 miles to the top of the mountain and about 10 of them were climbing. My blood sugar came back to normal and then started to drop as I was in the final 2 miles of the Ride, again thankful to our great SAG support I was able to do drive by sugar pick ups and not have to stop!
I felt good after the ride, physically strong, but diabetes weak! From Saturday afternoon through Monday evening everything was off! I had 3 'bad' lows, bad like the kind that just hit you, then you are stuck, sweat dripping from your body, dizzy, delirious, the kind of lows that knock you out and take a while to recover from- the kind of lows that are scary especially when they are during the night, which one of mine was! The kind of lows that people do not wake up from- I am lucky I did, but low blood sugar is frightening and exhausting!
On Sunday evening, I had low blood sugar that led me to a complete break down on being frustrated with my diabetes- again while sweating profusely and crying this time I gathered all of my Diabetes STUFF which included 3 broken pumps (mine, an old one and a loaner- all that didn't work) infusion sets, resiorvors, needles , insulin, meter, CGM, sensors and on and on into a pile and put them on the kitchen counter and started yelling- 'look at all the stuff I need to keep myself alive...' ok I had lost it. Finally I was able to stabalize and normalize and get a few hours of well needed sleep.
Work was hard on Monday, I hadn't taken long acting shot from the night before because my replacement pump was arriving that morning and I couldn't have the insulin on-board- so my blood sugar ran high during the night then dropped in the morning. I had another low on my way out the door and that combined with the heat this week in NY- it was a rough morning. I went home on my lunch break to pick up my replacement pump and while re-setting all of its functions it dawned on me a little as to why things were so difficult. I have somewhere around 25 different settings on my device: there are different carb to insulin ratios for different times of the day; different sensitivity (how fast my body absorbs the insulin); different target rations (day and night) and active insulin time. All of this is imputed and then CALCULATED by the device; something that I rely on it to do. The more in control I am, the more settings I have to mimic how the pancreas and body actually work, the more work it is for my mind and the more exhausting it is!
On Monday night, my pump site got kinked and my blood sugar had risen to almost 400 in the night, I had to switch my site and bolus enough to get me to Normal!
That was my weekend and my Monday- the crazy thing is that I had a really good weekend- I had a great time on the ride, I had fun hanging out with Billy and bowling with some of his friends, but the scary thing is that I had a really rough and exhausting time with my diabetes, I rely on these devices to help me manage my condition- no let me re-phrase that- I rely on these devices as life support to keep me alive and when they fail I fail, I fall, it becomes exhausting and I get frustrated!
I don't like to use my diabetes as an excuse, I don't like to feel controlled or limited. I hate having to explain to people WHY I am having problems with anything- that I am not weak! I hate that I have to rely on machines and devices to live! I hate it that many of my fingers have no finger print from years of multiple daily finger pricks! I hate it that I have no idea what normal is! II hate it that I have a condition that requires a charity- multiple charities! I hate it that people feel sorry for me or always have to be concerned for me! I hate it that although there is treatment for us diabetics, it is NOT good enough! I hate it that I fear for my future, my families future! Sometimes, I just HATE IT....
But I am thankful for all of the support, for almost 29 years and a lifetime to come! Next week I will Ride 100 Miles in Vermont for JDRF's Ride for a Cure! Together we are doing what we can do to bring us closer to a CURE and together WE WILL RIDE until we are there!
(yes this is a graph of our Saturday "training" ride)
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